Raw and Real

I am writing this in the midst of being anxious and overwhelmed. I just typed up a blog to post twice, and each time it fully deleted. After the second time, I went outside to my friend Piper, overwhelmed and upset. She asked me “what is the Lord trying to teach you through this? Go sit with him and ask.” 

So I did. 

I was going to write a blog about how I went without my phone for the past few weeks and all that the Lord taught me, but the Father had another plan for what I posted. He wants me to be real and raw and transparent. 

I will be home in 27 days. Less than a month. I honest to goodness do not know how I am feeling. It all doesn’t feel real. I feel as if I have 5 months left on the race, but I have less than one. And surprisingly, going home brings a lot of emotions. 

I would be lying if I said I am okay and in a good head space. Because I’m not. I have been a mess mentally the past few days and don’t even know what to write. 

The enemy has been attacking me in a lot of small, quiet ways. I have been entertaining the lie that when I get home, I will not have a community, even if I seek it out. I will not be loved. I will not find others that push me closer to Christ. My current friendships and relationships will be so different and will be a wreck. Everything will just be lonely and hopeless and constantly need work.  

Isn’t that ridiculous? Straight lies but yet I have been believing them. 

I know that as I go home my friendships and relationships are going to take work. It will not be incredibly easy; but it will be okay because the Lord is in it with me. 

As I have began processing going home, this has been what has filled my head CONSTANTLY. In complete honesty, the past few days I have been afraid to process and even not desiring to spend time with the Lord. The enemy has been using these lies to separate me from the very thing that sustains me. 

It has been a hard few days (and week) but yet the Lord still remains my sustainer. 

So here I am, raw and real, sharing where I am at right now. I would love to say that I am on the turn up, trusting the Lord with every single thing and not worrying about any of it. But I can’t say that at the moment. I am slowly but surely giving the Father more and more of my trust. And he still never lets me down. Even in the midst of my struggles, the Lord has continued to make promises to me. Isn’t he so faithful?

I have also been surrounded by the most incredible team that pushes and loves me even when it is hard. Sisters that remind me that Jesus holds it all together.

This morning, as I was struggling to be present during breakfast, I told a few of my teammates all that I was feeling and all the lies I was believing. And their first instinct was to lay hands and pray over me. This small act of love meant so much to me. Even in the hard, I am beyond grateful for these sisters that sit with me and love me like Jesus loves. 

And above all, I am beyond grateful for a God who loves and pursues me even when I am not always doing the same. 

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” Romans 8:26-28 MSG

We serve such a good God. He has been my sustainer in this season above anything else. I know that even when I am struggling, he is walking alongside me holding my hand through it all. He is advocating and fighting for me. 

I might not be okay. But Jesus is more than enough. And that is all I need to know.