“I can’t do this”
“This is too hard and painful”
“This must not be where the Lord has called me”
These were thoughts that constantly sprinted through my mind throughout this first week at training camp. I was warned that this might happen, and that the enemy might use these tactics, but this felt too real and too heavy to bear.
I felt this weight of anxiety for a few months. But this anxiety was nothing new.
I spent nights crying, struggling to find the strength to show up in community. Lie after lie circled in my mind that I could not break away from believing. Doubts and worries about my calling and my qualification reared their head time and time again. I believed that I was not bold and did not have a strong enough voice to speak up.
Anxiety had a powerful grip on me, and freedom seemed too far away to reach. It had for years. I think I completely gave up hope that the Lord could or even would heal my deep rooted anxiety.
But His blood bridged the gap to create a path called freedom for this quiet, anxious girl. All along, He was always fighting for my freedom. And in early March, He brought me just that.
One late night, my team and one of our squad leaders sat in a small room in Jaco, Costa Rica speaking out lies we had been believing for hours. The room was heavy; we cried, were broken, and just sat as we listened to how the enemy had been so present in each of our minds. It was one of the most heavy yet freeing team times we had ever and would ever have. After speaking out lies and truths for almost three hours, our squad leader felt it on her heart to go ask others to come and pray over the space and solidify all the truths that were just spoken out; to ultimately ask for protection from the enemy.
A group of about six people from the other squad we were living with crowded into our small bedroom and began to pray prayers of power and freedom over us. About halfway through the prayers, one of them prayed for freedom: from anxiety, from depression, and from anything that held a weight upon each of us. As she prayed this prayer, and rebuked the enemy’s stronghold in the name of Jesus, it felt as if a weight was lifted off of me. I FELT FREEDOM LIKE I NEVER HAD BEFORE! The Lord used this child of God as a vessel to bring another child more freedom!
That night, for the first time in over three years, I went to bed without taking my anxiety medication. And I have not taken it since.
(*Disclaimer: I wholeheartedly believe in the blessing that medication is and believe that God has placed doctors in place to assist in illnesses with diagnosis’s and medications, specifically in the area of mental health. I am and will always be an advocate for receiving professional help. It was a blessing to me for years and continues to be a blessing to many important people in my life. Send me an email at [email protected] if you have any questions about this!*)
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36
I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts. Psalm 119:45
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. Psalm 107:14
Since that wild night in Costa Rica, I have not walked the same. The world looks different from here. I belong in each space I find myself in, I carry boldness and wisdom that deserves to be heard, I walk in abundant joy, dance like nobody’s watching, and know I am right where the Lord wants me. I am no longer afraid of what is or what is to come. GOODNESS, I AM FREEE.
There are still days when anxiety tries to butt its’ ugly little head back into my mind, but the Lord is always right beside me. I know the authority that I walk in and know that anxiety has no place, even if it tries to convince me otherwise. I am not just continuing to walk with chains still dragging beside me, but I am running fast and free with those chains long behind me. I may still have moments of anxiety, but I am now walking in deeper freedom from the bondage that I once walked in. Every day He is showing me what it looks like to walk into freedom and deeper healing. I AM FREER THAN I EVER HAVE BEEN. AND IT IS OH SO SWEET.
So here I am, boldly and eagerly testifying that the freedom I have found in Jesus Christ has changed my life. And when I return home in 10 days (what!?) I will not be the same girl that I was when I left. I will never be the same.
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17
