The Valley.

It is often difficult to see the value of community until you are in the midst of a valley. 

About three weeks back, I was driving home from church on a Wednesday night. It had been a night filled with love, joy, worship, and so much community. However, as I was driving home, my only company being my thoughts, I began to dwell and camp-out alongside my doubt and anxiety. “You really don’t have any friends” my thoughts echoed back to me in that quiet car. “You pour out so much, but who really pours into you? You are always the one making the plans, your friends really don’t care about you.” These thoughts can be dangerous. I did not realize how lonely I felt until this moment. I did not realize how desperately my heart wanted true and real and intimate community (cons of being a 9 amiright?!). 

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. I have community. I have mentors. I have people I can talk to about stuff. But, in all honesty, it was not until this moment that I realized how much I had shut myself out from those that care deeply about me.

Yes, Anxiety sucks. I mean I wish it didn’t exist. But the Lord has been teaching me an immense amount about trust and community lately through this thing I so desperately wish would disappear forever. 

That Wednesday night, I could have either leaned into the Lord and those who love me, or choose to spiral even further into the pit of despair and anxiety. Thankfully, I chose to lean in. I texted my small group leader, someone who has been a mentor and friend to me for the past few years, and was just honest with her. I did not sugar coat how I was feeling, or even add on the normal exclamation points to appear kind. Because at that moment, I was feeling worthless and just flat out exhausted. Physically and mentally. 

In this moment of anxiousness and loneliness, I chose to lean in to those who love me. I chose to lean into the Lord, even as my heart was tired and my eyes swelled from tears. It was in this moment of anxiety that the Lord wrapped His arms around me and sat still with me in my brokenness. It was in this moment of anxiety that my community around me prayed and sat with me in my brokenness. 

This month has been one of anxiety, doubt, exhaustion, and tears. Many many tears. And I am not going to sugar coat it– it has been straight up awful at times. I have questioned my calling, questioned my worth, and questioned my loneliness. But throughout this season, I have learned and grown more than I could have ever imagined. During these moments of unparalleled anxiety, I experience extreme doubt and fear about the World Race. During these moments of utter brokenness, I question my ability to grow and lead. But I am so encouraged by a common theme found throughout the Bible– God often uses the most unlikely people with the most messed up lives to accomplish some of His greatest work. And my messed up life is not any different. This season is showing me that I am so loved. I am chosen. I am set free. And I am meant for so much more than how I feel during these moments. 

Psalm 68:6a says,

“God sets the lonely in families, He leads out the prisoners with singing.”

The Lord sees us in our seasons of brokenness. He is a God of intentional victory. And He often uses people to show us just how loved we truly are.

My sweet small group leader texted me the other day with these words, “I’m so sorry that you have to deal with the grips of anxiety sometimes. But I also know you are strong and even more importantly we have a stronger God who will pick you up when you can’t get yourself up. He’ll do it EVERY SINGLE TIME.” 

Here is to seasons. As Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” And I know that despite what my anxiety tries to tell me, there is beauty in both. There is a loving community in both. And there is a God who will pick you up time and time again in both. 

“We can do more together than any of us can do by ourselves.” Let’s speak this reminder over our lives. Let’s do life and brokenness and hardship together. The Lord is so good, and I am already seeing love and beautiful community through my WR squad!!! I am already seeing their heart for the Lord and how passionate they are about this journey. This new community is so exciting to me. A new season to grow in and new people to grow with. So that being said, whether you are in a season of waiting and valleys, as I am now, or a season of growth and change, as I will be next year on the race, it is vital that we can both remember these truths. Because trust me, we cannot do it on our own. And when we acknowledge that we cannot do it alone, the Lord does some pretty cool things.